I think it’s about time we stop using sex and sexuality to shame each other.  I’ve been trying to understand through my whole life why enjoying sex and having sex with people is viewed so negatively in the eyes of society or why it is viewed as something to be made fun of in a woman.  I know they have that whole, “if a key opens multiple locks, it’s a master key, but if a lock opens to any key, then it’s a…slut…or something”, but that’s just dumb.  I’m not even going to go into feminism here because sex should be freely enjoyed by all those who want to have it and I don’t know why it is the woman’s responsibility to be the gate keeper to sex.  The protector of her “respectfulness”

I tend to do a lot of social experiments, just seeing how people react to certain things and, “if I do this, then what will happen” and lately I’ve been trying to figure out the correlation between sex and respect.  I’ve spoken to men on the subject and there is apparently something about having sex with a woman for the first time that diminishes the respect they have for that woman.  When all that both partners want is sex anyway, and after they have sex the first time, they can have sex all they want and it’s fine, but it’s that crucial first time that’s the clincher between respect and slut.  So…even though I’m on a date with a man and I want to have sex with him and he wants to have sex with me, I have to refuse long enough to prove that I’m…I don’t know? Worthy? Of his penis? Of his love? Yuck.  I have to save him from himself because he’s not smart enough to view me as a person if I have sex with him? Seriously, what the fuck?

I said it in my first posts and I’ll say it again.  Sex. Is. Natural. Sex is beautiful if shared between two consenting adults.  It shouldn’t be used as a weapon to shame one another.  I talked to a friend of mine on the topic.  He’s been dating his girlfriend for three years and they are very much in love.  He told me that on their third or fourth date, he was over at her place and they were drinking and things were getting hot and heavy and she suggested that he probably shouldn’t drive and should just stay over, but that she wanted to not have sex.  So they slept in the same bed, didn’t have sex for the first time that night but then had sex 2 days later.  He said that if she had slept with him that night, he probably would have broken up with her.  Which just about breaks my heart because this is the woman that he has been in love with for the last 3 years that he would have broken up with and it was the difference between sex on a Friday and sex on a Sunday that solidified his respect for her.

I’ve been pretty lucky myself, because I tend to date like-minded people who will continue to date me after I sleep with them, regardless of when that is.  But, I have gauged a few people as less intelligent than myself and refrained from sleeping with them because regardless of their level of intelligence, I thought it would be a good idea to date them anyway (those are the ones don’t seem to work out, by the way).  So, I felt that I had to save them from themselves and not give in to them asking for sex for a little while.  After waiting whatever the appropriate amount of time may be, we engaged in our sexual activities and I asked about whether they would have respected me if I had slept with them right away.  They said probably not.  I asked why.  They absolutely couldn’t answer that question.  I was mostly met with, “well, uhh, you know”.  If they did come up with something flimsy, there was a very easy rebuttal.  “It shows you’re easy”, “didn’t you want to have sex with me?” “Well yeah, but” “Then you’re easy too, should you have my respect?” “Of course I should have your respect!” “Then why don’t I get yours after we have sex” and back to “Well, uhh, you know”.

Why do we still view women who have sex freely as having low self esteem or low self worth or no self respect?  What do those things have to do with sex in the first place?  Some men will say that they love the chase, they enjoy the game.  Hi, I’m a human being, not a game.  It’s not up to me to make pursuing me “fun” or “challenging”.  I want to just fall into your arms and stay there.  Don’t make me be a different person for the first few weeks of our relationship to trick you into liking me.  There will not be 2 week interludes between our sexual adventures, I will not make you work for it every single time.  We’re going to to work together to make it awesome and that’s how it’s going to be, from the first time to the last time.  Don’t make me out to be a terrible person if I don’t “put up a fight” the first time…which is also a fucking weird concept.   Since when am I a puzzle? Why do I have to make complex riddles and puzzles to keep you entertained?  And it is really just the first time.  I’ve never had a partner complain that we have too much sex throughout our relationship or too often, but it’s that first time where I just can’t be myself.  I have to wait.  Again, I say as long as it’s safe and consensual, have at er.  If they don’t respect you after, they are clearly not meant for you anyway.

And, as always, if that’s just how you feel, if you only respect a woman after she waits the customary amount of time to sleep with you, then okay, that’s your prerogative.  I just think it’s cruel to be disrespectful based solely on sexual actions.  Sex is empowering and should not be used to bring someone else down.  I don’t have sex with people because I have low self esteem or because I have no self respect.  I do it because I enjoy it.  The notion we’re fed through the media that, women who have multiple partners or who “sleep around” only do so to fill some void in her life that only husbands and children can fill is outdated and ludicrous.  Some of us are just enjoying this ride at this time in this society where we can be our true selves and enjoy what we truly love and who we truly love.  Well, we’re getting closer anyway.

By doing away with this old and archaic idea that women need to be the ones to withhold sex in order to gain your respect, we can only grow as a society.  Now, I’m not saying that if you’re only comfortable having sex after a certain time that you’ve gotta stop that, I’m just saying, communicate with your partner.  Tell them you want to wait, you want to know them better, you want to eventually, but it’s not a game.  It’s whenever you’re ready. Discuss your needs first.  If you’re totally going for it on the first date and you want it to be something more than a one-night stand, communicate that too.  “I’d like to engage with you physically, but it would be great if we could continue after tonight, are you just in it for this evening or do you want something more?” It’s totally okay to ask these things (and hopefully you get an honest answer in return).  I’m not saying that every person that you sleep with with grant you unwavering respect, I’m just trying to fight the notion that I’m a prize to be won, someone to fool into sleeping with you.  I’ll do it when I want to and your opinion of me has very little to do with that decision.

Be okay, folks. However you feel is fine.  Please don’t belittle each other.  Please don’t think less of women who enjoy sex.  Woman are human beings and we have the same levels of sexuality you have.  Let us wield it too 😉

Have fun out there!