We currently live in a very different time.  We no longer marry our high school sweethearts and stay monogamous our whole lives (most of us anyway).  We get to navigate complicated mazes of emotions and many many different types of relationships.   Sex isn’t something that we necessarily have to wait for anymore, it’s actually rare to find people who are “waiting for marriage”.  For most, once they lose their virginity, in which case it’s generally a good practice to wait for “someone special”, but it’s all fair game after that.

However, some people have different tolerances when it comes to emotions and sex.  And, as always, every single way that you feel is normal.  If you want to wait 3 dates to have sex with someone new, or wait a year, or even have sex within the first day or even hour of meeting someone, that is totally your prerogative.  And I wanted to talk a bit about that today.

The reason that this all came up was in talking to a friend of mine, we’ll call her Meg.  She and her husband, Mike, have been together for nearly 20 years, have a bunch of kids and are very much in love.  Like most modern couples, they have discussed their needs and sexuality and as it turns out, Meg seeks relationships with other men outside of her marriage.  Mike is okay with this as he is involved in all of the meet and greets and knows the other partners and potential partners well.

Where Meg differs from a majority of the other couples out there seeking extra-marital relationships (whether known or unknown to their current partner), is that Meg wants full, loving relationships with other partners, not just hookups, one night stands, or play partners.  This has been increasingly difficult for her to find. She currently has one partner, whom she has been with for about 2 years, we’ll call him Chris.  Meg, Mike and Chris have known each other for close to a decade and all used to play together, but it has since gone more to being just Meg and Chris.  However, Meg never felt that Chris has fully committed to this relationship, so while they have done a lot of exploring, they’ve never engaged in sexual intercourse, as this is something that Meg has reserved just for those she truly truly loves.

Meg feels as though Chris may never be worthy of her love and therefore, they may never actually go through with having sex, so Meg has been looking for her ideal relationship elsewhere.  She has found this to be endlessly challenging, as most people in the places she is looking (like online dating sites, Craigslist, Fetlife, etc.) are only out to “get laid”.  If she does find someone that she can build a relationship with, usually the fact that she is married deters them at some point, because these people also want to find someone to love, but they prefer exclusivity.  All of which is fine, it’s just a tough for Meg and Mike in this type of relationship.  However, they keep looking and Meg sticks to her guns on what she wants and that is what is important to her, to which I say kudos!

So, while there is no one way to live, whether you’re like Meg who needs to have full trust and full love before engaging in sexual activity, or whether emotions play little or no part in your sexuality, or literally anywhere in between, it’s all a good way to live.  All you have to do is be true to yourself.  If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.  If you don’t trust a situation, trust your instincts above all else.  If the people you are with are good people, they will understand.

Unfortunately, sometimes it happens that you can love a person and there is no sexual connection, this is a very real possibility.  Depending on your tendencies towards sex and intimacy, this could play a huge role in your relationship.  Some people are stoked that they found someone to love and stick with it anyway, hopefully they can work on it and the sexual connection forms over time.  However, some people (myself included) prefer partners, long term or short term, where every bit is there: trust, interest, respect, some level of emotional connection or the possibility of the relationship moving toward that state, and of course, sexual compatibility.

I know some people may curse me for not being with someone seemingly perfect because of sexual incompatibility right off the bat, but that’s just what I want.  I’m picky.  I like that I’m that way, too.  As much as I have had one night stands in the past, which were fun and all, it’s not ideal to me.  I like learning about a partner, talking with a partner, telling them about me, I like the emotional connection and understanding.  I like the butterflies and the electricity of the first time.  It’s not really supposed to be awkward the first time, it’s supposed to be fun and awesome.  I don’t need to be in love with someone to engage in intimacy, but I like knowing that it could get there and that we are at least experiencing some form of emotional connection.  It’s just what I like.  I believe this to be the middle ground on this love/sex spectrum…The Sextrum! (patent pending)

Now, the other end of the spectrum (Sextrum) is the anonymity or emotionally null side.  Where I’m sure most every intimate partnership, however brief or long, share some form of feelings or emotions for each other, sometimes full out love or the possibility of it getting to the love stage, just isn’t necessary.  Take my friend Jo for example, she absolutely does not want a committed relationship.  She has relationships with people in varying degrees, but the idea of the monogamous, white picket fence, lovey dovey, typical couple thing just never appealed to her.  She has dated people, often for years, but she keeps them at arms length and prefers to keep it platonically sexual.  She has friends for actually going out and doing stuff with and would rather avoid the hassle of a full time significant other or others.

Or you can enjoy straight up anonymous sex, which is actually gaining in popularity!  Or maybe it’s just more widely known about now due to the internet and such.  Things like bathhouses, glory holes, prostitution, swingers parties, sex parties, Tinder hookups, even one night stands to a degree.  Sure not all of these are fully anonymous all the time, but the fact that they exist and we hear about them more mean that there are a lot of people who absolutely do not need any sort of love to engage in sexual activity.

My point here is that, while we’re still force fed images, stories and ideals of the perfect man-woman, monogamous, happy, soul mate coupley relationship, it’s just not the reality anymore.  Sure, some of us look for that, and have a lot of fun along the way.  Some people even find it and if that’s what they want, then good on em! Some people purposely avoid finding anything like that.  And some people are pretty much fed up with that image and ideal being the only thing that is socially acceptable.  Most people, even the ones that find their soul mate, just don’t fit that mold, and that’s why this is an incredibly awesome time to be alive.  We can be exactly us, want exactly what we want, make that known, not compromise ourselves in any way, shape or form, and still be pretty damn happy.

Stay safe out there friends, whatever you’re looking for.  Just be honest with yourself and your partners and you’ll get what you like eventually 🙂