I think it’s about time we stop using sex and sexuality to shame each other.  I’ve been trying to understand through my whole life why enjoying sex and having sex with people is viewed so negatively in the eyes of society or why it is viewed as something to be made fun of in a woman.  I know they have that whole, “if a key opens multiple locks, it’s a master key, but if a lock opens to any key, then it’s a…slut…or something”, but that’s just dumb.  I’m not even going to go into feminism here because sex should be freely enjoyed by all those who want to have it and I don’t know why it is the woman’s responsibility to be the gate keeper to sex.  The protector of her “respectfulness”

I tend to do a lot of social experiments, just seeing how people react to certain things and, “if I do this, then what will happen” and lately I’ve been trying to figure out the correlation between sex and respect.  I’ve spoken to men on the subject and there is apparently something about having sex with a woman for the first time that diminishes the respect they have for that woman.  When all that both partners want is sex anyway, and after they have sex the first time, they can have sex all they want and it’s fine, but it’s that crucial first time that’s the clincher between respect and slut.  So…even though I’m on a date with a man and I want to have sex with him and he wants to have sex with me, I have to refuse long enough to prove that I’m…I don’t know? Worthy? Of his penis? Of his love? Yuck.  I have to save him from himself because he’s not smart enough to view me as a person if I have sex with him? Seriously, what the fuck?

I said it in my first posts and I’ll say it again.  Sex. Is. Natural. Sex is beautiful if shared between two consenting adults.  It shouldn’t be used as a weapon to shame one another.  I talked to a friend of mine on the topic.  He’s been dating his girlfriend for three years and they are very much in love.  He told me that on their third or fourth date, he was over at her place and they were drinking and things were getting hot and heavy and she suggested that he probably shouldn’t drive and should just stay over, but that she wanted to not have sex.  So they slept in the same bed, didn’t have sex for the first time that night but then had sex 2 days later.  He said that if she had slept with him that night, he probably would have broken up with her.  Which just about breaks my heart because this is the woman that he has been in love with for the last 3 years that he would have broken up with and it was the difference between sex on a Friday and sex on a Sunday that solidified his respect for her.

I’ve been pretty lucky myself, because I tend to date like-minded people who will continue to date me after I sleep with them, regardless of when that is.  But, I have gauged a few people as less intelligent than myself and refrained from sleeping with them because regardless of their level of intelligence, I thought it would be a good idea to date them anyway (those are the ones don’t seem to work out, by the way).  So, I felt that I had to save them from themselves and not give in to them asking for sex for a little while.  After waiting whatever the appropriate amount of time may be, we engaged in our sexual activities and I asked about whether they would have respected me if I had slept with them right away.  They said probably not.  I asked why.  They absolutely couldn’t answer that question.  I was mostly met with, “well, uhh, you know”.  If they did come up with something flimsy, there was a very easy rebuttal.  “It shows you’re easy”, “didn’t you want to have sex with me?” “Well yeah, but” “Then you’re easy too, should you have my respect?” “Of course I should have your respect!” “Then why don’t I get yours after we have sex” and back to “Well, uhh, you know”.

Why do we still view women who have sex freely as having low self esteem or low self worth or no self respect?  What do those things have to do with sex in the first place?  Some men will say that they love the chase, they enjoy the game.  Hi, I’m a human being, not a game.  It’s not up to me to make pursuing me “fun” or “challenging”.  I want to just fall into your arms and stay there.  Don’t make me be a different person for the first few weeks of our relationship to trick you into liking me.  There will not be 2 week interludes between our sexual adventures, I will not make you work for it every single time.  We’re going to to work together to make it awesome and that’s how it’s going to be, from the first time to the last time.  Don’t make me out to be a terrible person if I don’t “put up a fight” the first time…which is also a fucking weird concept.   Since when am I a puzzle? Why do I have to make complex riddles and puzzles to keep you entertained?  And it is really just the first time.  I’ve never had a partner complain that we have too much sex throughout our relationship or too often, but it’s that first time where I just can’t be myself.  I have to wait.  Again, I say as long as it’s safe and consensual, have at er.  If they don’t respect you after, they are clearly not meant for you anyway.

And, as always, if that’s just how you feel, if you only respect a woman after she waits the customary amount of time to sleep with you, then okay, that’s your prerogative.  I just think it’s cruel to be disrespectful based solely on sexual actions.  Sex is empowering and should not be used to bring someone else down.  I don’t have sex with people because I have low self esteem or because I have no self respect.  I do it because I enjoy it.  The notion we’re fed through the media that, women who have multiple partners or who “sleep around” only do so to fill some void in her life that only husbands and children can fill is outdated and ludicrous.  Some of us are just enjoying this ride at this time in this society where we can be our true selves and enjoy what we truly love and who we truly love.  Well, we’re getting closer anyway.

By doing away with this old and archaic idea that women need to be the ones to withhold sex in order to gain your respect, we can only grow as a society.  Now, I’m not saying that if you’re only comfortable having sex after a certain time that you’ve gotta stop that, I’m just saying, communicate with your partner.  Tell them you want to wait, you want to know them better, you want to eventually, but it’s not a game.  It’s whenever you’re ready. Discuss your needs first.  If you’re totally going for it on the first date and you want it to be something more than a one-night stand, communicate that too.  “I’d like to engage with you physically, but it would be great if we could continue after tonight, are you just in it for this evening or do you want something more?” It’s totally okay to ask these things (and hopefully you get an honest answer in return).  I’m not saying that every person that you sleep with with grant you unwavering respect, I’m just trying to fight the notion that I’m a prize to be won, someone to fool into sleeping with you.  I’ll do it when I want to and your opinion of me has very little to do with that decision.

Be okay, folks. However you feel is fine.  Please don’t belittle each other.  Please don’t think less of women who enjoy sex.  Woman are human beings and we have the same levels of sexuality you have.  Let us wield it too 😉

Have fun out there!

We currently live in a very different time.  We no longer marry our high school sweethearts and stay monogamous our whole lives (most of us anyway).  We get to navigate complicated mazes of emotions and many many different types of relationships.   Sex isn’t something that we necessarily have to wait for anymore, it’s actually rare to find people who are “waiting for marriage”.  For most, once they lose their virginity, in which case it’s generally a good practice to wait for “someone special”, but it’s all fair game after that.

However, some people have different tolerances when it comes to emotions and sex.  And, as always, every single way that you feel is normal.  If you want to wait 3 dates to have sex with someone new, or wait a year, or even have sex within the first day or even hour of meeting someone, that is totally your prerogative.  And I wanted to talk a bit about that today.

The reason that this all came up was in talking to a friend of mine, we’ll call her Meg.  She and her husband, Mike, have been together for nearly 20 years, have a bunch of kids and are very much in love.  Like most modern couples, they have discussed their needs and sexuality and as it turns out, Meg seeks relationships with other men outside of her marriage.  Mike is okay with this as he is involved in all of the meet and greets and knows the other partners and potential partners well.

Where Meg differs from a majority of the other couples out there seeking extra-marital relationships (whether known or unknown to their current partner), is that Meg wants full, loving relationships with other partners, not just hookups, one night stands, or play partners.  This has been increasingly difficult for her to find. She currently has one partner, whom she has been with for about 2 years, we’ll call him Chris.  Meg, Mike and Chris have known each other for close to a decade and all used to play together, but it has since gone more to being just Meg and Chris.  However, Meg never felt that Chris has fully committed to this relationship, so while they have done a lot of exploring, they’ve never engaged in sexual intercourse, as this is something that Meg has reserved just for those she truly truly loves.

Meg feels as though Chris may never be worthy of her love and therefore, they may never actually go through with having sex, so Meg has been looking for her ideal relationship elsewhere.  She has found this to be endlessly challenging, as most people in the places she is looking (like online dating sites, Craigslist, Fetlife, etc.) are only out to “get laid”.  If she does find someone that she can build a relationship with, usually the fact that she is married deters them at some point, because these people also want to find someone to love, but they prefer exclusivity.  All of which is fine, it’s just a tough for Meg and Mike in this type of relationship.  However, they keep looking and Meg sticks to her guns on what she wants and that is what is important to her, to which I say kudos!

So, while there is no one way to live, whether you’re like Meg who needs to have full trust and full love before engaging in sexual activity, or whether emotions play little or no part in your sexuality, or literally anywhere in between, it’s all a good way to live.  All you have to do is be true to yourself.  If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.  If you don’t trust a situation, trust your instincts above all else.  If the people you are with are good people, they will understand.

Unfortunately, sometimes it happens that you can love a person and there is no sexual connection, this is a very real possibility.  Depending on your tendencies towards sex and intimacy, this could play a huge role in your relationship.  Some people are stoked that they found someone to love and stick with it anyway, hopefully they can work on it and the sexual connection forms over time.  However, some people (myself included) prefer partners, long term or short term, where every bit is there: trust, interest, respect, some level of emotional connection or the possibility of the relationship moving toward that state, and of course, sexual compatibility.

I know some people may curse me for not being with someone seemingly perfect because of sexual incompatibility right off the bat, but that’s just what I want.  I’m picky.  I like that I’m that way, too.  As much as I have had one night stands in the past, which were fun and all, it’s not ideal to me.  I like learning about a partner, talking with a partner, telling them about me, I like the emotional connection and understanding.  I like the butterflies and the electricity of the first time.  It’s not really supposed to be awkward the first time, it’s supposed to be fun and awesome.  I don’t need to be in love with someone to engage in intimacy, but I like knowing that it could get there and that we are at least experiencing some form of emotional connection.  It’s just what I like.  I believe this to be the middle ground on this love/sex spectrum…The Sextrum! (patent pending)

Now, the other end of the spectrum (Sextrum) is the anonymity or emotionally null side.  Where I’m sure most every intimate partnership, however brief or long, share some form of feelings or emotions for each other, sometimes full out love or the possibility of it getting to the love stage, just isn’t necessary.  Take my friend Jo for example, she absolutely does not want a committed relationship.  She has relationships with people in varying degrees, but the idea of the monogamous, white picket fence, lovey dovey, typical couple thing just never appealed to her.  She has dated people, often for years, but she keeps them at arms length and prefers to keep it platonically sexual.  She has friends for actually going out and doing stuff with and would rather avoid the hassle of a full time significant other or others.

Or you can enjoy straight up anonymous sex, which is actually gaining in popularity!  Or maybe it’s just more widely known about now due to the internet and such.  Things like bathhouses, glory holes, prostitution, swingers parties, sex parties, Tinder hookups, even one night stands to a degree.  Sure not all of these are fully anonymous all the time, but the fact that they exist and we hear about them more mean that there are a lot of people who absolutely do not need any sort of love to engage in sexual activity.

My point here is that, while we’re still force fed images, stories and ideals of the perfect man-woman, monogamous, happy, soul mate coupley relationship, it’s just not the reality anymore.  Sure, some of us look for that, and have a lot of fun along the way.  Some people even find it and if that’s what they want, then good on em! Some people purposely avoid finding anything like that.  And some people are pretty much fed up with that image and ideal being the only thing that is socially acceptable.  Most people, even the ones that find their soul mate, just don’t fit that mold, and that’s why this is an incredibly awesome time to be alive.  We can be exactly us, want exactly what we want, make that known, not compromise ourselves in any way, shape or form, and still be pretty damn happy.

Stay safe out there friends, whatever you’re looking for.  Just be honest with yourself and your partners and you’ll get what you like eventually 🙂