Hey everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve posted, so I figured I’d come back with a bang (wink) and delve right into the mysteries of the female orgasm.

Now, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s downright difficult for women to orgasm, at least in comparison to men and mostly in the presence of a partner.  I’m speaking purely in generalities here as I know that there are some men that have difficulty achieving orgasm and some women who have no trouble reaching their pique, even just simply with penetration.

I would like, instead, to speak to the women who see movies and read stories where women achieve orgasm like nothing, just by the super hot stud thrusting on top of her.  Good news, ladies, this isn’t entirely reality.  Most women actually require a lot of additional attention before, during and/or after sex in order to have an orgasm.  There are a multitude of ways to do this and it’s just finding which ones work for you.

Of course, masturbation is essential to every human’s relationship with themselves.  If you don’t masturbate and have no qualms about that, then all the power to you, but personally, I think it’s a huge part to understanding yourself and what you need with a partner.  It’s been an incredible journey to see how my tastes and fetishes have evolved over the years into what they are now and how I communicate them to partners in order to meet my needs.  I’ll tell you about them someday, don’t worry.

Luckily for women, we have cheat codes when it comes to masturbation.  Sure guys can use their hands, lube, pocket vaginas and more to reach orgasm, but we get to use super crazy technology and provide ourselves clitoral stimulation that isn’t even remotely possible with just fingers or a tongue.  I had a partner tell me once that the reason I couldn’t reach orgasm when they used their tongue, fingers or penis is because I use a vibrator.  I call unbelievable bull shit on that statement.  Number 1, I can bring myself to orgasm with my fingers no problem, and Number 2, I have achieved orgasm with other partners (assisted by me every time, mind you), so maybe you’re just not doing what I like and leave my vibrator use alone, thank you very much!

So, if you’re a woman like me, who for the longest time thought that it wasn’t going to happen, that faked tons of orgasms just so that her partners wouldn’t feel bad and didn’t understand that it’s okay to ask for what she wanted in sex, please read on.

One of the things that I’ve learned about myself is that I do need to be comfortable in a situation in order to reach orgasm.  Even if a new partner is doing everything I ask and doing it well, sometimes the pressure is just too much.  Same thing happens to men every so often.  It has nothing to do with the partner or that anything has gone wrong, it’s just kind of like stage fright.  When you’re with a partner for a long time, you may not care as much that they are putting in tons of work and that it is taking a while, you’re gonna get yours too, dammit!

Another thing I’ve learned is that I, not unlike a huge majority of women out there, cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Like ever. Penetration feels great, I love the emotional connection and intimacy or the fun, fast craziness that intercourse brings (whatever floats your boat), but it’s never brought me to orgasm.  I absolutely require clitoral stimulation.  In the past (30+ years ago), this was thought of as “immature” or just generally frowned upon, but times are changing and people are talking.  It’s now totally acceptable for you or your partner to provide clitoral stimulation before, during and/or after intercourse in order to orgasm.  Or, you know, whatever you and your partner do that’s not intercourse, it’s just easier to say that to refer to your sexual session as a whole.

So, part of this external stimulation can be from fingers, but it can also absolutely come from toys.  Hopefully your partner is okay with bringing toys into the bedroom, as I do know some men that are intimidated and can also be hurt at the fact that you need “something else to get the job done”. Please just explain that male and female bodies are very different and all female bodies are different too.  Just because something worked with one partner, does not mean it will work with you.  It’s all about patience and just finding out what works.  Sometimes your fetishes actually cross paths with your partners and it’s absolute, perfect harmony.  You just have to open up and talk about what you both like.

Okay, back to toys! So, first off, vibrators are your friend when trying to achieve clitoral orgasm with a partner. Vibrators can be used during intercourse in a multitude of positions.  Sometimes they can get in the way, but there are a few killer positions that are perfect when using a vibrator, like reverse cowgirl, missionary where the one on top is on their knees, or a type of spooning, where the woman is on her back with her legs over top of her partner’s.  And remember, sometimes it takes time! Even though when you’re by yourself it only takes a few minutes with a vibrator, sometimes when you’re in the heat of the moment with someone else, it can take an incredible amount of time.  Just be patient!  Discuss with your partner what you want and that it may take a half hour, or even an hour.  The right partners will understand and sometimes when you hear your partner agree to waiting that long for you to orgasm, it takes some of the pressure away and you can just enjoy instead of trying your hardest to cum, maybe even edge yourself a bit.  There’s also nothing wrong with an anal plug or any other form of anal toy being used as well, and again, before, during and/or after intercourse.  You never know unless you try!

The use of tongues, fingers and toys as foreplay is also an amazing tool. Women require a lot more “buttering up” so to speak and there’s no way of paying too much attention to a woman.  It’s always okay to sit and talk for a while before or after sex if you plan on sticking with that partner for more than just the once, and talking about what they like, what they don’t like, what they want to try, what they are uncomfortable doing.  It’s actually a very freeing conversation when you can be totally honest with your partner about exactly what you need.  It is also crucial to talk during sex, to say, “a little higher”, “a little less pressure”, “I need your fingers inside me”, “tweak my nipples”, “make more noise”, “touch my ass” (and this is for both partners).

One thing I sometimes have to do is wait until afterwards.  Sometimes it just doesn’t happen during intercourse and my partner finishes before me.  The younger and inexperienced me would roll over to cuddle and say how amazing that was.  The older and more assertive me still wants to finish.  I now have no problem saying what I need and taking care of it myself (now that my partner can focus all of their attention on me!)

Basically, my point with all of this is that women, like men, deserve to orgasm every time they have sex, if they want.  It requires time, patience, communication and creativity for a lot of women and very understanding partners, but it can be awesome!

Talk about this with your friends.  I do all the time and I’ve gotten some incredible advice and I’ve been able to give advice as well.  It is absolutely not uncommon to have difficulty achieving orgasm with a partner, but again, with less taboo around the subject, we can all have healthier and happier sex lives.

Please, let me know if you want to know more about good positions, toys and ways to bring up the conversation regarding orgasms in the first place.  I’m here to help you

Yours,

Lisa