Hey folks, I just wanted to take a quick beat and talk about consent.  The word “no” is a word that is within everybody’s right to use.  Not just women, but everyone.  You can say no at any point in any sexual interaction.  Whether it be right off the bat, like if someone buys you a drink at a bar, you are totally within your right to say, “thanks, that’s sweet of you, I just want to be upfront, I don’t plan on sleeping with you, would you still like to buy me a drink?”  And if they say no, then whew, you dodged a bullet!  But you can also say no if you are already lying in bed with someone, even half naked, hell even if you’re already having sex, if it doesn’t feel right, you can always ask for it to stop.  For the purposes of this chat, this is the scenario I would like to focus on.

This is even true with spouses, not just casual encounters.  If you don’t feel appreciated, safe or comfortable, you can stop if you’d like.

Now, partners, when someone that you’re with says that they don’t want to have sex/they want to stop having sex, this is not your cue to get all butt-hurt.  Obviously, they like you enough to be conversing with you/making out with you/already having sex with you, this doesn’t mean that they automatically don’t like you now.  Be respectful, ask what’s wrong.   Maybe it was something that was said that made them uncomfortable, maybe something accidentally caused them physical pain, maybe they just plain old changed their mind.  The way that you take this news says a lot about your character.   Phrases like, “I was so close”, “You were leading me on”, “You’re sending me mixed signals” are huge asshole statements (in this case, every gender is capable of being an asshole, this does not apply to just men)

This all goes back to communication.  Be open with your partners.  If something is not right, please tell them and if your partner tells you that something is not right, please listen to them.  In both situations, partners want the best for their partners.  Work together to break down emotional barriers and learn what you both need and want in your romantic and sexual encounters.  If that’s not what you’re getting, then speak up!  Your partner wants whats best for you (at least I sure hope they do) and they won’t know unless you tell them straight-up, “I would like more eye contact with you”, “I don’t feel that we’re truly emotionally connecting”, “I feel that you’re being too aggressive”, “I don’t like when you do that one thing, I liked it the one night, but I don’t want it every single time”.

Be true to you, if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.  Hopefully your partner is mature enough to have a conversation with you on what it would take to make it better or to just say, “OK” and go back to cuddling and watching a movie.  It just needs to feel right.