So, I was talking to a friend today about my experiences and he asked a lot of questions about how it all made me feel and truth be told, I feel different in every different scenario with every different partner.  When I am in long-term relationships, I am generally monogamous and I enjoy getting to know my partner.  When I’m single, I experience many different situations. I’ve been the third with other couples, I’ve brought other women in with men that I’m casually dating, I’ve dated people non-exclusively, I’ve dabbled here and there.  We were discussing this and he assumed that I was always poly-amorous, which is not the case.

He asked if I thought cheating was okay in relationships.  I explained that I think cheating is more of a mind frame than a physical act.  If you and your partner discuss being with other people and you’re both on board and excited about being with other people, then I don’t think it’s necessarily cheating.  If you don’t tell your partner what you’re doing and go off and have relations with other people behind their back, then yeah, that’s probably cheating.  Even if you tell them and they’re not totally okay with it, then they may still feel cheated on if you go and experience it anyway.

I honestly don’t know how I would feel if someone I loved told me they wanted to sleep with other people, because it hasn’t come up yet.  I think if we trusted each other and truly loved each other, then it might be fine.  I’ve been in relationships where I’ve considered what I would think if they asked me and it differs.  There are some relationships where I would feel badly about it and others where I trusted them enough to let them do their thing. It depends entirely on the relationship and how you feel towards that particular person. Again, as I always say, if it’s safe and consensual, then it’s okay.

My bottom line in the way that I feel is that 80 years ago, my only choice would have been to marry young, have kids and be happy with that person until I was dead. From what I’ve learned lately is that perceptions have changed, you can go on any path you choose, and people can experience every kind of relationship now.  So, why not experience all of them (if you’re comfortable with that) and see which one you actually do like the best?

There is no one or right way to be in a relationship these days, which is awesome!  Each couple (or group) has their own tendencies, leniencies, what they are comfortable with and what they want.  No one can say that a heterosexual, monogamous relationship is the only “right” way to be when there are so many other ways for people to be together.  Not saying there’s anything wrong with heterosexual, monogamous relationships, but it’s just that it’s not the only “acceptable” form of living your life anymore.  People can be who they are and want what they want and chances are, they’ll find people that share exactly the same view as them.  It’s a good time to be alive and experience everything you want to the fullest.

Enjoy, my friends, and know that you’re not alone 🙂

Hey folks, I just wanted to take a quick beat and talk about consent.  The word “no” is a word that is within everybody’s right to use.  Not just women, but everyone.  You can say no at any point in any sexual interaction.  Whether it be right off the bat, like if someone buys you a drink at a bar, you are totally within your right to say, “thanks, that’s sweet of you, I just want to be upfront, I don’t plan on sleeping with you, would you still like to buy me a drink?”  And if they say no, then whew, you dodged a bullet!  But you can also say no if you are already lying in bed with someone, even half naked, hell even if you’re already having sex, if it doesn’t feel right, you can always ask for it to stop.  For the purposes of this chat, this is the scenario I would like to focus on.

This is even true with spouses, not just casual encounters.  If you don’t feel appreciated, safe or comfortable, you can stop if you’d like.

Now, partners, when someone that you’re with says that they don’t want to have sex/they want to stop having sex, this is not your cue to get all butt-hurt.  Obviously, they like you enough to be conversing with you/making out with you/already having sex with you, this doesn’t mean that they automatically don’t like you now.  Be respectful, ask what’s wrong.   Maybe it was something that was said that made them uncomfortable, maybe something accidentally caused them physical pain, maybe they just plain old changed their mind.  The way that you take this news says a lot about your character.   Phrases like, “I was so close”, “You were leading me on”, “You’re sending me mixed signals” are huge asshole statements (in this case, every gender is capable of being an asshole, this does not apply to just men)

This all goes back to communication.  Be open with your partners.  If something is not right, please tell them and if your partner tells you that something is not right, please listen to them.  In both situations, partners want the best for their partners.  Work together to break down emotional barriers and learn what you both need and want in your romantic and sexual encounters.  If that’s not what you’re getting, then speak up!  Your partner wants whats best for you (at least I sure hope they do) and they won’t know unless you tell them straight-up, “I would like more eye contact with you”, “I don’t feel that we’re truly emotionally connecting”, “I feel that you’re being too aggressive”, “I don’t like when you do that one thing, I liked it the one night, but I don’t want it every single time”.

Be true to you, if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.  Hopefully your partner is mature enough to have a conversation with you on what it would take to make it better or to just say, “OK” and go back to cuddling and watching a movie.  It just needs to feel right.

So I’ve put up my first post and showed it to my friends and family, still waiting on anonymous questions and comments though!  It sparked a lot of interesting conversations I wouldn’t have normally had and people seem to be in agreeance with the state of our unfounded sexuality.  Like I’ve said before, seriously, it’s all okay!

If you think you’re weird for liking a certain thing or finding something sexy that is against the norm, congratulations, chances are you share this interest or “fetish” with thousands of other people.   Remember Rule 34 of the Internet:  If it exists, there is porn of it and a whole community dedicated to worshiping that particular thing.  I’ve always said that if you are sexually attracted to staplers, there is probably a porn site dedicated to it. I didn’t want to put some unproven facts on here, so I searched “sexy staplers” and “stapler porn” and guess what? There’s freaking stapler porn!   Though it’s slightly more gruesome than I had originally envisioned.  Perhaps I too am a tad naive.

The point is, you shouldn’t feel alone or weird when it comes to what you find sexy.  We are programmed to feel shame immediately after orgasm, and that is so detrimental to our emotional health.  You know what’s great for our physical, mental and emotional heath, though?  Orgasms!  There are many proven health benefits for men and women when it comes to orgasms.  The rush of endorphins, lower risk of prostate cancer, getting in touch with oneself, these are all good things!

What methods you use to achieve this goal (like my original post states, as long as it is safe and consensual), are just fine!  I know that our society has gotten carried away with porn and it can pose a risk to the way we interact with each other, and more so for the younger generation with the super saturation of sexuality, but we’ll save that for a later post.  For now, I want to help you get comfortable with you and with each other.  I believe that if the stigma regarding sexuality is lifted, then we will have a much better time expressing ourselves to each other and this negative social downturn regarding the way that we view porn in contrast with the way we view each other, could be remedied.

In going with being more comfortable with each other, I have to admit that my favourite part in a relationship is after the initial, “oh my god, sex is great, let’s do all the “regular stuff” because we’re not comfortable enough to explore with each other yet” phase is over.   After the first little while, it could be a couple of weeks, could be a couple of months, could even be the first time you have sex, it all depends on how well you and your partner communicate, but eventually we all go, “well, what now?”  This is the best part! Where you get to tell each other all (or some and save the rest for later) of your fantasies and you get to start doing the fun stuff.   I know that a lot of couples and some never got to this part and instead they hit the wall.  They never felt it was right to explore and it frustrated one or both parties, and sometimes this lead to them exploring outside of the relationship.   With one couple, she had a very particular fetish, she never told her husband and when someone else came along who willingly divulged that he was also into this particular thing, she went for him.  She never knew that if she told her husband of her fetish (which, of course, she did when it all came out after the fact ), that he would have been totally down to do this with her.

Again, with a dialogue and willingness to share in an open and positive space, things could have been better.  If it helps, she and the other guy broke it off and she’s now back with her husband; and from what she tells me, their sex life has taken off since they started really exploring together.  He loves her fetish and he had a few that she finds perfect as well.  Honestly, what is being in a relationship if you can’t fully be yourself and be completely open and honest with each other?  That’s where the fun lies, the real, unabashed, down and dirty you meets the equally real, different and willing them.  And then, magic!

Sometimes you can’t even get there if you don’t know yourself.  You need to find you first, and then you can introduce you to others.  However, sometimes it takes someone else to help you find the real you too.  It’s all incredible and there are no rules.  It can be fantastic if you just let it. Free yourself from the chains that have been brandished upon us from such a young age.  Explore your body, explore your mind.  Find what makes you tick and be proud of it, listen to your partners with openness and non-judgement, you never know, they may introduce you to your next favourite thing.

Until next time, leave your comments, email me questions, I’m still looking forward to opening up a full conversation with you!

Hello and welcome to my blog.  I’m Lisa, it’s a pleasure to meet you!

I have decided that the best way to start living my dream of removing the taboo around sexuality and levelling the playing field so that we can finally grow, evolve and prosper as a species is to just start writing.

First off, my philosophy regarding sex and sexuality is that as long as it’s safe and consensual (this also means legal with regards to age gaps), then it’s perfectly fine.  I’m pretty sure religion and shame threw us back thousands of years when it comes to our own bodies and the totally and completely natural acts we choose to perform with them.  Can you imagine where we would be if the church had instead said, feel free to love instead of to hide in shame and fear?  I believe that we are finally starting to get out of that funk and move forward in our cultural progression.

I think we are in the early stages of maturing sexually as a culture.  Perhaps we’re in the awkward teenage years, with things like dick pics, nudes being leaked on the internet and a general fascination with the naked human body.  With that being said though, we’re starting to stand up, rise above the previous cultural norms, you can see this in the ways that women are speaking out all over the world and the way that trans is creeping into normalcy and the ways that when you say, ‘my friend and his boyfriend’, you no longer have to stop and explain that they are gay.

I believe that we are heading towards a safer space, one where you can openly talk about sexuality, preferences, issues, problems and stumbling blocks.  Where it’s just as normal to tell someone that your arm hurts because you slept on it funny that night and them giving you some stretches to try out is just as normal as telling someone that you’re having difficulty reaching orgasm with your partner and them giving you some tips on how to work together better.  That is my dream, my goal even.  I’m here to help us all reach a better and heightened place.  Honestly, don’t the majority of the world’s problems come down to sexuality and oppression of sexuality?  What if just none of that mattered?

Seriously, think about it!  What if the media didn’t throw images we didn’t like in our faces?  What if women all over the world could wear what they wanted and not be raped, cat called or even killed?  What if things like stretch marks, cellulite and scars didn’t hold people back from feeling comfortable being naked?  What if we could all just be?

I’m here to start that conversation.  I’m not trying to say that everyone needs to be comfortable and okay with discussing matters of sexuality openly, that’s just how I feel.  I enjoy discussing matters of sex and sexuality and I find that when people finally open up and have a mature discussion with me, about facts and ideas, using words that would normally make them blush, that they feel better too.  People hide these facts from everyone, and they shouldn’t.  Even though it’s not the be all, end all, sex is a HUGE part of life, everyone does it and it’s pretty much the only reason we exist on this planet, to procreate.  So why can’t we enjoy it?  Why can’t it be a normal part of our conversation? Why can’t it, above all else, be respected?

I’ll be posting my rantings and answering questions periodically.  I am happy to open up to you and I hope that you feel that this is a safe space to open up to me.

Welcome, you’re finally home 🙂